Photo 10
Notes
Posted 3 weeks ago
rickycisco: Photoshop self-portrait What is it about this face that makes me want to write? When people asked how she would describe him, she always said green. No one would understand except for them. He always smelt like a rich cigar, sometimes he had the bitter smell of beer on his breath, and, on occasion, he was perfumed with the savory smell of marijuana. And she loved it. Everything about him made her weak in the knees and her heart would beat against her ribs when he was near. But that was the problem. He was a traveler. He was here and there, but somehow, he always managed to stop by when he passed through town. He would stay for an hour, sometimes a night, and sometimes a week. She never knew how much time she had to say hello or goodbye. She met him at a bar almost three years prior and he bought her a drink. She smiled, he made her laugh, and she took him home. She didn’t ever think that she would be addicted to someone that she couldn’t hold on to. She wasn’t the type to fall in love and she wasn’t the type to try so hard, but it seemed that when he was gone, he was all that she thought about. He was all that she wanted. The relationship they shared was indescribable. It wasn’t something that anyone could put on paper or replicate. It was a bond between two people that looked at each other with love, fought with hatred, and made love with more passion than anything she had ever felt. He came knock-knock-knocking at her door that afternoon. She opened the door, expecting anyone, but him. His eyes were tired and he looked hungry. An army green jacket kept him warm, black cargo shorts left his legs cold, and an old ratty backpack was slung lazily over one shoulder. She stepped aside and let him enter her apartment. She asked him where he had been. He shook his head. Without another word, she went to her kitchen and dished him up any leftovers in her fridge. After the plate was heated up, she walked back into her living room. Food in hand, she stopped short. He hadn’t taken off his shoes, set down his backpack, or bothered with his jacket. He’d simply sat down on her couch and closed his eyes. There were no soft snores, so she couldn’t tell if he was asleep or not. She set the plate down in front of him on the coffee table. Then she peered at his face. Scruffy beard, bags beneath his eyes, and chapped lips, as usual. Where had he been this time? The East coast? The West Coast? Europe? She hadn’t seen him in six months, so it very well could’ve been any of those places. He looked so weathered that she felt the need to pamper him. He shifted in his sleep and she backed off a little bit. His backpack tipped off to the side and hit the floor. Curiosity hit her in a different way. She’d never thought to peek, but now…now she had the chance. Creeping over to the bag, she sat on the floor and tried to quietly unzip it. Peeking inside the largest pocket, she saw things that she would’ve never expected. She’d always thought that there were little trinkets from every single place that he’d been, but instead, there was jewelry. Necklaces with intricate keys and hearts, and diamonds on the ends. There were bracelets made of beads, gems, and spoon handles. There were rings and silk blouses and she even found a beautiful sundress inside. Checking the tags, she realized they were all her size. Her heart was hopping and skipping inside her chest until she realized that all those things were for her. He had been thinking of her too. Her heart stopped for a second and she felt guilty for looking in the first place. Stuffing all the items back in quickly, she zipped up the bag and began to pretend that she hadn’t done anything wrong. But when she looked up, she caught his gaze. Had he been watching her the entire time? He looked at her with disappointment in his eyes and she felt sadness over her actions. She apologized, but he stayed silent. She swore that she wouldn’t ever do that again. She wished he would scream at her and call her a bitch and a rude, undisciplined person and…and…how dare she, right? His silence killed her more than anything. They watched each other for a few moments longer, before he stood. She whispered an apology once more and stood with him. He turned his back to her, shook his head, and headed toward the door. She was screaming “I’m sorry”s after him as he turned the doorknob and stepped outside of the house. She kept promising that she wouldn’t ever invade his privacy, she swore that she would do whatever he wanted if she could have him back, and she begged him to come inside. He made it across the street before he turned on his heel. He looked her in the eyes and she held the gaze. The road was clear until the light that was about a block down turned green. Cars and trucks passed in front of him, until a semi crossed through their path. She expected him to be there when it passed, but he was gone. The light turned red again and she was staring at an empty street. That was the last time she’d ever seen him again. Zoom

rickycisco:

Photoshop self-portrait

What is it about this face that makes me want to write?

When people asked how she would describe him, she always said green. No one would understand except for them. He always smelt like a rich cigar, sometimes he had the bitter smell of beer on his breath, and, on occasion, he was perfumed with the savory smell of marijuana. And she loved it. Everything about him made her weak in the knees and her heart would beat against her ribs when he was near. But that was the problem. He was a traveler. He was here and there, but somehow, he always managed to stop by when he passed through town. He would stay for an hour, sometimes a night, and sometimes a week. She never knew how much time she had to say hello or goodbye. She met him at a bar almost three years prior and he bought her a drink. She smiled, he made her laugh, and she took him home. She didn’t ever think that she would be addicted to someone that she couldn’t hold on to. She wasn’t the type to fall in love and she wasn’t the type to try so hard, but it seemed that when he was gone, he was all that she thought about. He was all that she wanted. The relationship they shared was indescribable. It wasn’t something that anyone could put on paper or replicate. It was a bond between two people that looked at each other with love, fought with hatred, and made love with more passion than anything she had ever felt. He came knock-knock-knocking at her door that afternoon. She opened the door, expecting anyone, but him. His eyes were tired and he looked hungry. An army green jacket kept him warm, black cargo shorts left his legs cold, and an old ratty backpack was slung lazily over one shoulder. She stepped aside and let him enter her apartment. She asked him where he had been. He shook his head. Without another word, she went to her kitchen and dished him up any leftovers in her fridge. After the plate was heated up, she walked back into her living room. Food in hand, she stopped short. He hadn’t taken off his shoes, set down his backpack, or bothered with his jacket. He’d simply sat down on her couch and closed his eyes. There were no soft snores, so she couldn’t tell if he was asleep or not. She set the plate down in front of him on the coffee table. Then she peered at his face. Scruffy beard, bags beneath his eyes, and chapped lips, as usual. Where had he been this time? The East coast? The West Coast? Europe? She hadn’t seen him in six months, so it very well could’ve been any of those places. He looked so weathered that she felt the need to pamper him. He shifted in his sleep and she backed off a little bit. His backpack tipped off to the side and hit the floor. Curiosity hit her in a different way. She’d never thought to peek, but now…now she had the chance. Creeping over to the bag, she sat on the floor and tried to quietly unzip it. Peeking inside the largest pocket, she saw things that she would’ve never expected. She’d always thought that there were little trinkets from every single place that he’d been, but instead, there was jewelry. Necklaces with intricate keys and hearts, and diamonds on the ends. There were bracelets made of beads, gems, and spoon handles. There were rings and silk blouses and she even found a beautiful sundress inside. Checking the tags, she realized they were all her size. Her heart was hopping and skipping inside her chest until she realized that all those things were for her. He had been thinking of her too. Her heart stopped for a second and she felt guilty for looking in the first place. Stuffing all the items back in quickly, she zipped up the bag and began to pretend that she hadn’t done anything wrong. But when she looked up, she caught his gaze. Had he been watching her the entire time? He looked at her with disappointment in his eyes and she felt sadness over her actions. She apologized, but he stayed silent. She swore that she wouldn’t ever do that again. She wished he would scream at her and call her a bitch and a rude, undisciplined person and…and…how dare she, right? His silence killed her more than anything. They watched each other for a few moments longer, before he stood. She whispered an apology once more and stood with him. He turned his back to her, shook his head, and headed toward the door. She was screaming “I’m sorry”s after him as he turned the doorknob and stepped outside of the house. She kept promising that she wouldn’t ever invade his privacy, she swore that she would do whatever he wanted if she could have him back, and she begged him to come inside. He made it across the street before he turned on his heel. He looked her in the eyes and she held the gaze. The road was clear until the light that was about a block down turned green. Cars and trucks passed in front of him, until a semi crossed through their path. She expected him to be there when it passed, but he was gone. The light turned red again and she was staring at an empty street. That was the last time she’d ever seen him again.

via rickycisco
Text 44
Notes
Posted 3 weeks ago

100 Things I Love About Men

  1. When they look you in the eyes and just smile
  2. When they hold babies
  3. When they kiss the inside of your wrist or the crook of your arm
  4. When they tell you that you’re beautiful, even when you know you’re not
  5. When they kiss you from your mouth to your toes
  6. When they tease you
  7. When they say sentimental things
  8. When they admit how they’re feeling
  9. When they’re riding you and they ask you what you want. And then they do actually do it, regardless of the effort that it takes
  10. When they ensure you that no other girl is as pretty as you
  11. When they whisper all the naughty things they’re going to do to you once you get home, while you’re eating in a public restaurant
  12. When they give you that unrestrained bite on the neck or slap on the ass
  13. When they moan curse words into your ear
  14. When they open doors for you
  15. When they rub your back just because
  16. When they surprise you with gifts
  17. When they wear their pants just below their hips
  18. When they roll over after a restful nights sleep and kiss you regardless of your (and their) morning breath
  19. When they tell you that they’ll do whatever it takes to stay with you
  20. When they send you naughty pictures out of the blue
  21. When they call just to let you know that you’re amazing
  22. When they start singing along to your favorite song, even though they say that they hate it
  23. When they touch your face gently with the backs of their fingers
  24. When they express concern for you
  25. When they protect you
  26. When they stand up to shake your father’s hand
  27. When they smell so good that you hold their shirt to your face for fifteen minutes
  28. When they kiss you just the right way
  29. When they playfully lick the valley between your breasts
  30. When they worship aforementioned breasts
  31. When they’re playing a video game, but pause it to kiss you
  32. When they ask to learn something new about you
  33. When they remember the small stuff
  34. When they kiss the bridge of your nose before you fall asleep
  35. When they use you as their pillow, instead of the actual pillow
  36. When they hold you tighter after you shiver
  37. When they text you just to say that they miss you
  38. When they don’t shave for a couple days and then let you rub your face against their stubble
  39. When they kiss you between your thighs until you have the most mind blowing orgasm you’ve ever had, no matter how long it takes
  40. When they just want to be close to you
  41. When they sit across from you and play foostie
  42. When they choose to watch a scary movie, just so they have a reason to hold you
  43. When they tell you that you’re being a bitch because, let’s be honest, you are being a bitch
  44. When they remind that you’re a good person regardless
  45. When they make an unexpected cup of tea and hand you a good book
  46. When they walk you through the door, grab you as soon as they shut it, and tell you that they need you naked now
  47. When they counsel you through rough times
  48. When they give you great make up sex
  49. When they sit and watch with fascination as you do your hair and makeup
  50. When they have deep gruff voices in the morning
  51. When they whisper silly things to you
  52. When they get a little bit jealous of your guy friends
  53. When they take time out of their day to make sure that you know how much they care about you
  54. When they aren’t hesitant to buy you a nine hundred dollar dog
  55. When they surprise you with small gifts
  56. When they take the thing you say to heart
  57. When they actually listen to you talk
  58. When they read your little blurbs of writing and don’t feel uncomfortable
  59. When they notice the little things and give you compliments on them
  60. When they’re laying next to you and reach out to hold your hand, for no reason at all
  61. When they steal your portion of the blankets, then apologize, and cover you with more blankets than you need and themselves
  62. When they invite you into the shower with them
  63. When they’re as playful as a six year old
  64. When they hear you burp and instead of being gross out, they whisper, “That’s a ten”
  65. When they give you “eskimo kisses” and “butterfly kisses”
  66. When they help you remember to live rather than just exist
  67. When they remind you that everyone is human
  68. When they assure you that no amount of impatience will make your gifts come faster
  69. When they listen to what you have to say…even though they really don’t care
  70. When they tell you that “I’ll always be on your side”
  71. When they understand that you’re scared and admit they’re scared too
  72. When they know all the words to your favorite songs
  73. When they claim to be a puppy and lick your face to show you how much they care
  74. When they tickle you back to life after you “die”
  75. When they don’t want to talk about imaginary scenarios of scary situations because they don’t like to thought of you being in any sort of pain
  76. When they understand
  77. When they’re proud of the hickeys they leave on your skin
  78. When they want everyone to know who you belong to
  79. When they kiss your neck
  80. When they have a thick happy trail
  81. When they don’t get nervous if you don’t text them back right away
  82. When they get excited about the little things
  83. When they understand that you’re opening up to them and they actually take it to heart
  84. When they tell you that you’re the most beautiful thing that they could ever see
  85. When they think they hurt you and they get a little panicked
  86. When they cradle the back of your head while you’re kissing
  87. When they run their fingers through your hair to help you soothe a headache
  88. When they sing you songs in the shower, regardless of how their voice sounds
  89. When they cook for you
  90. When they do matching costumes with you on Halloween even though they dread being “The Fairy King”
  91. When they quote lines from all your nerdiest nerdisms
  92. When they skip doing something they love just to be with you
  93. When they feed you off of their fork
  94. When they let you hold them close, just for the sake of feeling your skin against theirs
  95. When they put your pants on to help you stretch them out so that you butt crack won’t show
  96. When they take care of the chores so that you can relax
  97. When they let you be the big spoon and they rest their hand on your thigh
  98. When they have a childhood toy that they snuggle with on an almost nightly basis
  99. When they watch the same Disney movie with you every night because that’s how you fall asleep
  100. When they look you in the eyes and you recall every great moment that you’ve ever had with them and you realize that you never want to let that go because they’re your best friend, your lover and your boyfriend all wrapped into one amazing person.

Text 2
Notes
Posted 3 weeks ago

The Boy in My Bed

He came over late that night and we sat on my porch couch while I tried to sober up and he tried not to fall asleep. He’d just taken a three hour drive out of town and drove back to come see me. When asked why he was so grumpy, he replied,”Make me a sammich!”Too drunk to take any offense to it, I asked if he liked Nutella and began my excursion to the kitchen. He chuckled softly to himself as if I were joking. When he realized that I wasn’t, he asked me what it was. My eyes grew wide and I stared at him for a moment, waiting to see if he was joking. When I realized he wasn’t, I started on my task. Getting out a plate, a cup, and sandwich fixings. He watched as I worked like a mad scientist over this sandwich. I reached into my pantry, once I was finished, and pulled out a bag of regular potato chips. I turned around to the refridgerator and pulled out the milk. When I was finished garnishing his plate with the perfect sandwich side and pouring him a glass of milk, I told him to try my creation. I don’t know if it was the pre-smoked marijuana or the fact that I’d actually just made the perfect meal, but he made the loudest groaning noise I’d ever heard in my life. He, with a mouth full of sandwich and chips, gurgled that I was the best person on the planet. I smiled and said,”I know.”

We headed to my room and I changed into a pair of pajama pants that I’d stolen from him at the beginning of the year. He complimented my taste in pants and I replied with a sarcastic, “I don’t even know where I got these.” He sat down on the bed and pulled out a little friend that he called “MagneTron.” It was a cute little blue pipe that was held together solely with magnets. I turned on Hercules while he loaded up MagneTron. I was only a few minutes into the start of the movie when he poked me and said, “Smoke my weed.” I shrugged, who would turn that down? We smoked all the way up until the end of Hercules. Sometimes, when I smoke too much, I start to lose my filter and just begin to say the things that I think. And most times, I just wanted to know where we stood. We’re at a point in our lives where we’re not like brother and sister or like boyfriend and girlfriend. The line could be crossed either way and it makes me nervous. It’s like I’m balancing on the in between of the best love I could ever have and the best friendship that I could ever have. It’s not that I haven’t pictured falling in love with him before, it’s that when I do, everything is always so wonderful. No one has ever treated me as well as he has. No one has ever let me in so deep into their heart before and I fully expect that no one ever will again.

I felt like I only looked at him for a short second, but it was long enough to catch his attention. He caught my eyes, smiled, and asked what I was looking at. I wanted to say something sarcastic or lie about what I was actually thinking. But I asked him anyway. I asked him if he felt feelings for me. He furrowed his eyebrows at me. So I rephrased and said, “Do you ever feel girl feelings for me?” He responded, “Are you calling me gay?” I gasped, shouted no quickly and explained that sometimes, when I think about him, I don’t just miss him. Sometimes, I have an undying urge to see him or hear his voice. Sometimes, I wished that I could live inside his head and figure out what he was thinking about me or our relationship. He told me that he loved me and asked me if I knew it. I said that I knew he loved me and that he cared and the he respected me, but sometimes that in between is just a little too blurry for my liking. I told him that sometime snuggle time feels more like…loving time. He’s the first guy that I haven’t had sex with that I feel a deeper connection to. Something far beyond the love in my heart, the lust in sex, or the happiness in my smile. I feel something for him that I can’t quite pinpoint and it makes me feel happy, uneasy, and scared all at the same time. It makes me want to jump for joy and throw up at the same time.

I watched him for a little bit and watched me too. After a moment of seriousness, he smiled, took off his thick rimmed glasses, and turned out the light. He held me close to his body, told me loved me, and started to snore. I thought about him for a while before I fell asleep. I thought about how he was so close to my heart and I thought about how I’d lost that when I was dating someone. I wondered why everything between us had changed so drastically. We fell apart. I snuggled him closer and closer, until my face buried in his armpit and I didn’t realize until he giggled. I smiled to myself, pulled my face out of the clean smelling area and laid my cheek on his chest. I could hear his heartbeat loud and clear and I closed my eyes. Listening to the steady bump-bump of every easy drum against his ribs. My eyes were tired even though I’d already closed them. I didn’t want to fall asleep because this moment was just a little too precious to lose. When his fingertips touched my skin, the rough callouses of his guitar weathered hands gave me goosebumps. I looked up at him sleeping and then poked his armpit once more. A big fake rumbling snore echoed through my head. I smiled to myself and walked my fingers from one side of his body to the other. Watching my fingers press gently into the white cotton of his t-shirt, I realized that in that moment, I was happier with my best friend than I ever was with anyone else.

Photo 22
Notes
Posted 1 month ago
This is absolutely, without a doubt one of my most favorite things to see ever. I’ve always dreamed of marrying a man like this. Tattooed solid from wrist to shoulder, from shoulders to chest, and from chest to belly. We’d live in California and he’d wear things like this. Cut off shorts, tank tops, bowed or flat billed hats. He might wear glasses at night after he took out his contacts…and he might not. It’s not a deal breaker. He’d have gauged ears and piercings all over his ears and on his face. He would love me, but the person he’d love more than me is her…or him. He’d love our child more than life itself. He’d hold it and love it. He’d teach her how to play the guitar and any other instrument that she’d like to learn. He’d let her ride his skateboard and when she was old enough, he’d get her roller skates or something awesome like that. We’d let her dye her hair whatever color she wanted, whenever she wanted. We’d put her in ballet and she would be the happiest kid on the planet. She would be a daddy’s girl and I’d be okay with that. Because there’s nothing else I’ve ever wanted to see more in real life than this moment right here.

This is absolutely, without a doubt one of my most favorite things to see ever. I’ve always dreamed of marrying a man like this. Tattooed solid from wrist to shoulder, from shoulders to chest, and from chest to belly. We’d live in California and he’d wear things like this. Cut off shorts, tank tops, bowed or flat billed hats. He might wear glasses at night after he took out his contacts…and he might not. It’s not a deal breaker. He’d have gauged ears and piercings all over his ears and on his face. He would love me, but the person he’d love more than me is her…or him. He’d love our child more than life itself. He’d hold it and love it. He’d teach her how to play the guitar and any other instrument that she’d like to learn. He’d let her ride his skateboard and when she was old enough, he’d get her roller skates or something awesome like that. We’d let her dye her hair whatever color she wanted, whenever she wanted. We’d put her in ballet and she would be the happiest kid on the planet. She would be a daddy’s girl and I’d be okay with that. Because there’s nothing else I’ve ever wanted to see more in real life than this moment right here.

via youraskeeze
Text 1
Notes
Posted 1 month ago

T.A.Y.L.O.R.

When I was eighteen years old, we sat outside on your porch over a bonfire. You had gotten us free Mike’s and Guinness. I had a Mike’s and you had a Guinness. Your thick rimmed, black classes shone with little orange patches from the fire and I continued to study you. Every contour of your face was shadowed and highlighted in just the right way to make you the most attractive man that I’d ever seen. You caught me staring and said,“What?! Do I have snot on my face?” I laughed until I thought I was going to pee. You smiled that distinct smile that only you could give me. Then you broke out your guitar. You set your drink down and began playing. It was absolutely nothing because I knew you couldn’t read music for shit, but it sounded so beautiful. I remember watching you teach yourself instruments like the accordion, the ukelele, and the piano. Whenever you played your music, I felt like I was dreaming with my eyes open. I felt like you and I were the only one’s in the world. The Earth was green, the planet was quiet, and only the sound of your guitar could be heard for miles by only my ears. You beckoned me over. I followed the crooked finger and you showed me a couple strings. Then you said, “Get ready for this.” The last real thing I remember is the taste of Guinness in my mouth.

Almost two years later, I get wave that there’s been a car accident. At first, I think that it’s a joke. It’s a rumor that’s been spread by you as the most epic joke you’ve ever pulled. So I call. And I call. And I call. It went straight to voicemail. Straight to voicemail. Straight to voicemail. My breath was stolen from my body and I kept checking our local news source for any sort of information. That’s when I saw it. In big black letters, “One 20-year-old male dies in car accident.” For a moment, I felt like I was drowning and then I took a deep breath to remind myself that I was alive. I stared at the page and then I read on after a few moments. I read, in short, that the driver had run into a ravine. He made it out, you didn’t. My brain, completely asleep at the time, had convinced me that I was okay with this. That my life was alright. I told myself that I wouldn’t cry and I made sure to state out loud that you were dead several time to, hopefully, come to terms with it quickly. I made sure my friends knew so that they could calm me down if anything were to happen, but I was sure that it wouldn’t. I made it all the way up until your funeral day without so much as a sob.

I remember sitting in the pew of the church in my gray dress and black flats. I wasn’t going to wear all black to your funeral, that wouldn’t have been you. I sat on the inside aisle and watch everyone prepare for it to start. That’s when I saw them. Your choir group from college walking down the aisle to sit in their respective seats. The whole time I was expecting to see your face. I was expecting to see you amongst the crowd and when you didn’t show that’s when it really hit me. My tears welled up with the biggest fattest tears that I have every cried in my life and I place my face in my lap. Sobbing uncontrollably I felt lost. I tried to calm myself down and clear the tears from my face. And then your older brother got up to play piano from the heart…like you always did. He looks so much like you that I had to stop myself from crying once more. Then he began to play soulful, rich music, like yours sounded like. That when I started crying again and I realized that I felt like I was dreaming, but backwards. I felt like it was the sound of the piano and myself. The Earth was green, the planet was quiet, and only the sound of the piano could be heard for miles by my ears. Because mine were the only ones left. I blamed you for leaving me. I did. But I’ve come to realize that I will be with you again one day. Rest in peace.

Answer
Posted 1 month ago
I haven't read your stories in over a year but I finally caught up. It took me less than a day to read everything. Your stories are something I enjoy reading. I can feel the emotions you go through and I got random goose bumps while reading. Thank you for sharing, I'm looking forward to more.
jazzipowwow asked

:)

Text 2
Notes
Posted 1 month ago

A Bed Made For Two

It’s a distasteful feeling when you have to go to bed alone. Four pillows, two on each side of the queen sized bed, all of them have different pillow cases. Pink striped sheets cover the downy, feather bed cover and the naked mattress underneath. The cold blankets sliding over freshly shaven legs. Chills. Shorts and a tank top worn because there was the implication of the company. Resting your head on a cold pillow and rolling on your side, ready to be snuggled. You shut your eyes and hope to forget. Your body warms the blankets, the sheets, and your two pillows. The sudden uproar of caustic fluid into your throat when you roll over and realize that you’re still alone. You open your eyes and rest your hand on the pillow that used to be occupied by someone you cared about. It’s not a great feeling falling asleep alone in a bed made for two.

Text 17
Notes
Posted 5 months ago

Fear

All of my life I’ve sworn to myself that I would be with someone who would make me work for compliments and “I love you”s. He would make me wake up to make him breakfast and we would fight constantly. We would have angry sex more than we would ever make love and I would enjoy every second. Instead, “Can I kiss you?” No one had ever asked before. “Yeah…” I breathed into the coldness of my car and saw my breath before me. His lips pressed to mine, but there was no movement for several moments. At first I took the time to think about how I’d told him that I’m not good at love. I’d told him that he wouldn’t be as important as he thought to me. I’d told him that I wouldn’t let anyone make me cry ever again. He told me that he would never make me cry - it wasn’t his prerogative. He told me that he would make me happy and make me smile. I rolled my eyes at the idea. Then when he hadn’t moved, I thought, this is it? A little bummed out, I tried to pull away. He held the back of my head gently and softly his lips moved over mine. One hand held my neck and the other ran along my cheek and neck. Every movement, every stroke his tongue to mine, and every haphazard kiss on my face was so sweet and so soft. Everything was something inexplicably kind and generous. I felt the walls around my heart cracking and breaking and I felt scared. That’s when the tears happened. I was frightened of how I felt and now I was frightened of crying in front of him. A crying girl is a like a broken egg in the palm of your hand. You just want to swipe it off into the trash, wash your hands clean, and be done with it. He stopped kissing me and just held me tight. He held me as close as he could get me, ran his fingers through my hair, and stared out the windshield into the dark of night. All of my life, I swore that this would never happen to me.

Chat 5
Notes
Posted 5 months ago
  1. Him: So if I hadn't said that I had sex with her, you would still be interested?
  2. Me: Probably not...
  3. Him: Weren't you the one yelling at me for having standards and rules of 'engagement' when it comes to sex?
  4. Me: Being drunk and having sex/semi-committed relationships with my friends are two largely different things.
  5. Him: I'm not talking about last year I'm talking about like 2 weeks ago.
  6. Me: I think you misread. Being drunk during sex with someone is very different than sleeping with someone you know has been in a relationship with one of your closest friends and being drunk during sex is very different from knowingly sleeping with someone who has slept with four of your friends. Why add onto the list?
  7. Him: Why pay attention to the list? I'm not about the list, I'm about friendship and, while it may seem rather paradoxical, I believe that friends can share anything. Also I'm not having sex with people because I particularly enjoy it, I do it because I like making people feel good. I haven't cum during sex in over 8 months and in that time I have had sex with some of my best friends solely for the reason to make them feel good and to enjoy the time we have together. Its worked out well so far.
  8. Me: Sharing "anything" doesn't happen to contain sex. Let's share food, let's share smiles, and let's share candid morose, raunchy humor. But sex is not something you share with just anyone. Sex is beautiful it's own special way that says, "I've given a piece of myself to you and only you." It says that you want them to hear you panting, you want them to hear you grunting like a bulldog, and you don't mind if they see the awkward, ugly, scrunchy, contorted face when you do orgasm. Candy makes people feel good. Laughing makes people feel good. And while sex does make people feel good it's a different kind of good. It's the kind that says you've given a piece of your soul and your heart to that person. And if you're not coming to an orgasm with you sleep with some girls, then you're not having sex with the right person. And you're brain is telling you that this "making people feel good" isn't working out for you. Why sacrifice your soul bearing moments? Why lose that?
  9. Him: Because they are my friends and sex is my way of giving a part of my heart to the people that I love. And a lot of the not cumming comes from my head saying: "make it last longer for them." Is it wrong to want to give more than receive?
  10. Me: You can give a part of your heart to them by snuggling them while everyone is watching, you can give a part of your heart to them by sending them random text messages about how much you miss or care about them, and you can give a part of your heart to them by telling them that it's okay when they do embarrassing things. Sex is something that you should enjoy the fullest, every single time. It's not about "making it last longer" it's that you're truly not happy and I think you know that. See this, this talk, is giving a part of my heart to you in explaining this. It's telling you that I do care enough to dig deep down and tear up some shit that nobody wants to do. This is giving a part of my heart. Sex - as a person - is someone that you imagine naked all the time, they're someone that you can't wait to be inside of, they're someone that you can't wait to hold, and they're someone that you can't wait to be come inside of. It's not about giving, Evan. It's about happiness within sex and there seems to be none for you.
  11. Him: I never said I didn't enjoy it. And yes, one day there will be someone who I can say all those things about, but I wont know for sure until I know for sure. So whats so wrong with making yourself happy while making other people happy, regardless of the way its being done, if both people realize what is happening?
  12. Me: The way it's being done is one of the most important components in sex. If you're just fucking for one night to "feel good" or "make others feel good" there's not going to be that "feel good" feeling afterwards. You're going to look at each other and know that one of you has to leave that bed and has a 97 percent chance of never coming back. I don't know, maybe I'm just a person who likes knowing that they're going to sleep with the same person for a while or that they're going to enjoy the sex every time. Maybe I'm just someone who likes to know what arouses a person before they even get naked. Maybe I'm just the type of person who knows, that even without a relationship, sex is something that is meant to kept between two people willing to share something small and special on the outside, but monumentally beautiful on the inside. Maybe I'm just unique.
Answer
Posted 5 months ago
Your last post is everything that is happening in my life at the moment and what I am thinking about right now. I love your writing :) x
judaku asked

Oh honey, I hope you mean this one! I’m glad everything’s working out. [: You’re a beautiful person.